


Etiolation

by You Me and Teddy Bears (Eleadoe)



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Wry Humor, sad boy hour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29837814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eleadoe/pseuds/You%20Me%20and%20Teddy%20Bears
Summary: Akihiko struggles to adapt to a life without Misaki. - Act 5 reimagined from Akihiko's perspective.
Relationships: Takahashi Misaki/Usami Akihiko
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	Etiolation

**Author's Note:**

> It's Akihiko's birthday today (err, was. I'm a bit late) which is the perfect excuse to finish this piece of angst and self-indulgence!
> 
> This story was originally planned as the sixth release for SiHJR Week 2020. I chose to put it on pause. I was seized by inspiration at the last minute and wrote Made in England instead. Best decision I ever made!
> 
> I have an entire music playlist for this fic that I highly recommend in this order:
> 
> 1\. Movement and Location - The Punch Brothers  
> 2\. Nobody - Mitski  
> 3\. Nude - Radiohead  
> 4\. Collect Call - Metric  
> 5\. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs  
> 6\. Die Young - Sylvan Esso  
> 7\. I'm The Man, That Will Find You - Connan Mockasin

It had been 15 hours, 6 minutes, and 43 seconds since Akihiko had watched Misaki walk out the door.

Not really. That was an exaggeration. 

Akihiko had been in a good mood yesterday morning. He was looking forward to his lover's summer break from university. The ideas of having Misaki all to himself for the next several weeks had strengthened and lifted his spirits… And other parts of him. It was true that any thoughts of Misaki always had that effect on him, but the circumstances had him feeling particularly inspired.

Then one call changed everything.

He hadn't given much thought to taking the phone from Misaki to talk to Takahiro. It was something he did frequently. His best friend called every three days to check in on how things were going. Everything seemed normal and pleasant at first.

That was until, " _ Usagi-san _ ." 

Akihiko knew that tone. It was the one Takahiro used when he had something important to say. 

It was how he sounded that one night seven months ago. The moment that confirmed the hidden affections Akihiko harbored for years would never be returned. 

_ "I found out today that I'm being transferred out of Osaka _ ."

A sense of dread seized him.

"When?"

_ "At the end of next month." _

His heart began to hammer wildly in his chest. It couldn't mean...

"Where?"

_ "Back to the city. Usagi-san, I'm planning on having Misaki move in with us." _

All the levity he felt dissipated in an instant. He swore the floor dropped out from beneath him, but somehow he was still standing upright. 

At the beginning of his relationship with Misaki, he thought he would never experience heartbreak again.

How naïve.

Akihiko pressed the phone to his shoulder, "Misaki," he willed his voice to be as steady as possible, "Sorry. Could you leave me alone for a bit?"

After some resistance, he watched from his peripheral vision as the younger man dejectedly trudged towards the stairs.

Akihiko placed the phone back to his ear. He tried his best to reassure Takahiro that there was no issue with Misaki staying with him. He reminded himself to take slow, intentional breaths as he forced himself to endure what he heard from the end of the receiver.

He learned an ugly truth. 

The beautiful, cheerful ray of sunlight in his life carried a burden Akihiko couldn't fathom. Behind Misaki's go-getter attitude, there was a deep sense of guilt and loss that impacted every choice he made.

His head was spinning. 

He needed Misaki here. 

He had to stop this.

The moment he equally dreaded and yearned for had come before he was ready.

It was time to finally tell Takahiro the truth about what Misaki was to him.

"Takahiro, I…"

_ "This is something no one but family can do." _

With those words, the fire went out.

\--

Akihiko slowly opened his swollen eyes and saw flags spread across the ceiling above him. It seemed he was in his bed. He turned towards his nightstand to look at the old, dimly lit alarm clock. He needed a new one.

It was already five in the afternoon. When had he fallen asleep? He couldn’t remember anything about the day or night before. All he could remember was when Misaki left three days ago.

He needed a cigarette. That was his only motivation for getting out of bed. The carton of cigarettes had only five left. Buying in bulk seemed like the best choice at the time. How many packs had he gone through already? 

He picked up Suzuki-san, his large teddy bear, from off the bed. He pressed his cheek against wool that was spun elegantly into brown fur. Suzuki was calming in times where everything around him felt uncertain. 

He headed downstairs with Suzuki-san and his cigarettes in tow. What should he wear today? The navy or the black suit? It didn’t matter. There was no point in dressing well. Misaki wasn’t here to see what he looked like. He would keep wearing his pajamas.

He knew he should eat, but he had no appetite. He intentionally decided to not recall the last time he ate. That would not be doing him any favors. He set Suzuki-san on the couch and put on his glasses. He hadn’t written anything in days. He lit a cigarette and started handwriting a rough draft of his current novel’s next chapter. The deadline was soon, probably. Those dates were more unimportant to him than ever.

No matter how hard he tried, Akihiko could not focus on his writing. All he could do was keep reliving that dreadful phone call over and over again. Frustrated, he threw the paper and pencil to the floor and collapsed on the couch. 

An emptiness permeated the stillness of the large penthouse. Only recently did this place begin to feel like home. Akihiko had once loved the peaceful quietness, but now he had come to loathe it. He missed the sounds of Misaki cooking dinner. The clanging of pots and pans, the sizzle of the stovetop, the teenager talking to himself as if no one else could hear.

All he wanted to do was hold Misaki in his arms. He would give anything to bury his hands in his dark hair and taste every soft, secret place with his tongue. He yearned to feel the warmth and softness of his lithe frame. He wanted to listen to his laugh, his shouts of frustration, his moans of pleasure. Misaki’s love calmed him and ignited him all at once. 

The loneliness consumed him in a way it hadn’t in a long time. He let his cigarette burn as his beloved’s name left his lips. He could feel the pinpricks of tears form in his eyes. How many times had he cried these past few days? There were only four more days left.

Just four more days until the end.

\--

He was finally eating a meal. Not by choice, but by the threat of Aikawa. She had brought him dinner and said if he didn’t eat that she would call him every hour until his manuscript was complete.

He usually loved rice, but today it felt like shards of glass going down his throat.

He had taken a bath and changed his clothes as well. Again, because of Aikawa. “What would Misaki-kun say?” she had told him. She was a demon that knew how to exploit all of his weaknesses.

Misaki would be coming back in two days. While Akihiko felt like he should be excited by the prospect, an uneasiness surrounding his lover’s return haunted him. His world had changed in only a matter of months. The niggling question in the back of his mind broke the surface of his carefully composed thoughts. Would this current predicament become his everyday life again? 

Being alone was normal for Akihiko. He had done it for years. Sitting here at the table by himself was like the way he used to live: Staring blankly into nothingness and fading in and out of consciousness. Faceless and nameless housekeepers, delivery persons, and meaningless sex partners that came and went. He had once existed only for the stories he wrote and the brief interactions he shared with his closest friends.

He knew he had lived those experiences. He had seen and felt those moments through his own eyes. It was like trying to remember a life that didn't belong to him. There was no color to any of those memories. They were lifeless, incorporeal. 

He finished his dinner. Well, if three bites of rice and a bowl of miso soup could be considered finished. The main entree of stir fry sat untouched. 

Regret consumed him where he was. He should have done something different on the phone that day last week. He should have said something to Takahiro to make him understand.

The truth stung. There was nothing he could do. He didn't have the right to deny Takahiro. 

Akihiko acknowledged he was in the way. He knew better than anyone that he was ignorant of what a real family was like. He watched movies and read books. Hell, he even wrote stories with the families powered by his imagination. People who loved each other with no ulterior motives. Relatives who existed without an unspoken sense of obligation worn like a noose around the neck. What was that like? 

He could buy Misaki all of the best things and experiences that money could buy. Takahiro could give to Misaki what he couldn’t. A life with normal people that he could depend on. Akihiko felt like he brought chaos and instability in his path. This would be for the best. The longer Misaki stayed with him, the sooner the pandemonium and the regrets of Akihiko’s life would catch up to him.

_ ‘Maybe I should go for a drive to clear my mind,’  _ Akihiko thought. He needed cigarettes anyway. The carton he had bought two days ago was almost empty.

\---

Akihiko was on the floor today. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe he had fallen asleep?

Misaki would be coming home tomorrow.

Right before his birthday this year, Akihiko received the greatest gift of his life. Misaki accepted his impulsive offer to live with him. He still wasn’t sure what had come over him the moment he had asked. 

Never before had he envisioned another person sharing his living space, not even Takahiro. Misaki was different. He was unlike anyone else Akihiko had ever met. He was passionate, caring, stubborn when he wanted to be, selfless, adorable, and exquisite in every way. 

In these dark moments, Akihiko’s way of thinking turned selfish. He would imagine keeping his lover all to himself, hiding Misaki from the rest of the world. Then his train of thought would shift to the exact opposite. He would envision setting Misaki free from him. He could have the peaceful, happy life that Akihiko knew he couldn’t provide.

His cherished gift was going to vanish.

He was an idiot for ever allowing himself to pretend that he deserved to be happy with someone as wonderful as Misaki. He wasn't meant for that kind of life. The poor decisions of his past and the impracticalities of his way of living reminded him of this.

Suddenly, he caught himself. 

This way of thinking was not doing him any good. This energy could be channeled into the flourish of a pen or the clack of a keyboard. 

With Suzuki-san, who happened to be flopped over beside him on the floor, wrapped in his right arm, he got up and staggered to his office. 

The familiar glow and hum of his computer greeted him as it spurred to life. What projects did he want to work on? Everyone always said to work on what is due soonest first, but Akihiko considered that advice irrelevant. He figured there is no point in working on something that isn’t what you want to do.

He immersed himself in his upcoming project. Time must have passed because when he looked up from his monitor the room around him is now dark. When did he eat last? Has Misaki started on dinner yet? 

He opened his mouth to call out for his partner, but he stopped when reality doused him like a bucket of ice water.

Misaki wasn’t there. He was still in Osaka.

The author decided to order takeaway. 

\---

Akihiko had just finished making a cup of coffee when the ringing of the phone pierced the tranquility of the large penthouse.

“Hello, this is Usami,” he answered.

“Ah! Usagi-san, it’s me,” the familiar sweetness of Misaki’s voice filled Akihiko’s senses. They had spoken a few times on the phone while they were apart, but hearing him talk made the older man feel at ease. Misaki would be returning home this evening.

It was easy to tease his lover for making ridiculous choices, like buying frozen food while on a trip hours from home. It was enjoyable to rile him up by confessing to making a mess of the kitchen with his hard-boiled egg disaster.  _ mostly  _ cleaned up.

“I can handle things without you around,” Akihiko joked as he took a sip of his coffee.

The weight of these careless words hung heavy. 

“...Oh. I see.”

Akihiko’s face flushed with shame.  _ ‘Shit,’  _ he thought. He had fallen back into their usual banter without considering what he was saying.

A strange silence came from both sides of the call.

_ Was this the end? _

Misaki began to fill the stagnant air with an incoherent ramble about the upcoming move until...

“Do you mind if I leave my furniture and things at your place?”

_ Oh _ . This was…

“You really can’t take care of yourself without me around, you know,” Misaki mused weakly.

Akihiko was stunned speechless. This flimsy excuse was a desperate attempt to keep their current bond intact. It was unlike Misaki to say anything like this. Did he want to be together just as badly as Akihiko did?

Just then, what sounded like tears softly echoed into Akihiko’s ear, “Ah,” Misaki sniffed weakly, “I’m gonna go now.”

Akihiko found his voice, “Misaki? Are you crying?”

“What! Who’s crying, idiot?”

Neither one wanted this to be over. Something had to be done.

In that instant, Akihiko committed, “Misaki, cancel the ticket you have now.”

“Huh?” came the confused response.

“Go kill time for three hours!” Akihiko barked, “I am coming right now to see you!”

He slammed the receiver down and hurried to the laundry room. Akihiko hastily buttoned his shirt and grabbed a suit jacket. His mind was a flurry of thoughts. Which color tie should he wear? 

Misaki had said he wanted to go on a trip for his birthday. Where could they go? He was certain there was a luxury train line that went to Sapporo. He had been reading about marimo this week. Perhaps this would be a good opportunity to purchase some! He could make some calls on the drive over to the train station. 

Should he pack a bag? No, he had to leave immediately. He could buy new clothes on their trip. He slid on his shoes and bolted out the front door with determination in his eyes. 

He would figure out what to tell Takahiro later. This was too precious to let go. Akihiko vowed that no matter what, he would never let any soul, or any circumstance, keep them apart until his last breath.

Misaki was his for life. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [ Tumblr](http://youmeandteddybears.tumblr.com)
> 
> I wrote this instead of working on [The JRSiH Timeline Project ](http://jrsihtimeline.tumblr.com) coming soon.
> 
> More fanfiction coming soon! A quick shout out to every single beautiful human on the Lame SIHJR Discord! I love you all.
> 
> Now go re-read Act 5 and cry!


End file.
